What made me finally seek help?
Throughout the years, especially when at my worst, my parents would try subtly suggest that seeing someone might help. I would never have a bar of it. I was “fine” and there was “nothing to worry about”. For a long time (right up until I booked myself in with a Psychologist), I liked my ED. She was comfort to me. We had a love-hate relationship, but ultimately, I liked who she pushed me to become. I liked being the ‘small’, ‘thin’, ‘tiny’, ‘fit’ girl. I liked when my clothes stopped fitting me because they became too big. I liked when the smallest size in the shop was too big for me. I liked seeing that number on the scales get smaller and smaller. I liked seeing bony structures start to stick out where I hadn’t seen them stick out before. I liked when people would comment on my small figure, or “how lucky” I was to be so petite. It is quite astounding how often I was praised for my small frame, when in fact, at my smallest, I was the unhealthiest and unhappiest I had ever been.
In October 2015, when I was 24, I knew it had to stop. I was the most anxious and down I had been in a long time and it was affecting everything, including my relationship with my now, glorious husband. I had kept my ED from him for the entirety of our relationship, and he just knew that “I liked to be healthy”. But my misery and absolute obsession with food/weight/exercise/body image had to stop. It absolutely consumed and preoccupied me. My days and plans revolved around food and exercise. My partner and I were laughing a whole lot less, things were becoming very serious and he had witnessed a few big anxiety attacks related to food/exercise. Some of the seemingly smallest things could completely throw me. Such things as feeling full, not knowing exact quantities/portion sizes of a meal, not being able to find certain meals or ingredients when out, being in a social situation where what we had planned to eat changed, my exercise routine being disrupted and the list goes on. I was constantly riddled with fear, guilt, and anxiety, which all revolved around what food I ate, my weight and what exercise I did or didn’t do each day.
I remember my partner and I were sitting on my bed and I just broke down. I was trying to say that “I need help” and “something wasn’t right”, yet I couldn’t quite find the words to explain all that was my ED. I didn’t even fully know what it was myself. I just knew that how I was living my life was not OK. As he would be, he was confused at first and couldn’t quite grasp what I was trying to explain through my fountain of tears. But of course, he has been one of my biggest supports and anchor throughout this journey. Now I would say he knows just as much about and is as passionate about eating disorders as I am <3. Bless his cotton socks. From this night, my life took a turn.
I remember one of the first things my mum did when I told her I was going to book in with a local Psychologist, was throw out the scales. She said, “And we start by throwing these out”. One of the best possible reactions she could have had.
To this day, I do not own scales and never will. They
serve me no purpose, and that number on the scales,
that bloody number, reflects nothing of my true
mental and physical health.
I was finally ready to put a stop to this demon inside my head. I wanted Phoebe back and all the goodness that came with being Just Phoebe. Not Phoebe and her ED. I remember thinking “this has to stop”. I knew I wanted to start a family one day, and to do that I knew I needed to kick this, not only to get my periods back, but to be mentally and physically at my best.
My Journey with my Psychologist
Initially, there was part of me that was ashamed of seeing a Psychologist and I didn’t want anyone to know. I will now of course scream it from the rooftops that “I SAW A PSYCHOLOGIST FOR OVER 2 YEARS AND IT IS ONE OF THE BEST THINGS I HAVE EVER DONE. IT CHANGED MY LIFE”. If anyone reading this has a similar story, I wholeheartedly recommend finding a Psychologist that you like and can work with. To me, it is vital for full recovery. There are numerous wonderful Psychologists out there, many who even specialise in helping individuals struggling with an ED. In fact, ED or not, if there is something you are struggling with, I strongly recommend seeing a professional mental health worker. This is not a weak move, in fact, it is a very strong one <3.
When I initially started seeing my Psych, I wanted the best of both worlds. I wanted to get rid of my ED, remove my anxiety and low mood and get my period back (which had been gone for a couple of years). Yet, I didn’t want to have to gain any weight. Not one gram. Well, that was impossible. It was either; a) not gaining weight and thus not recovering or getting my period back and remaining as I was or b) the opposite. I chose answer b). I chose the long, hard, but life-changing road to full recovery.
Seeing my Psychologist was one of the hardest yet best things I have ever done. The number of tears I shed during my recovery and the amount of times I said to my partner “this is so hard”, were many. After each Psychology session I would come home and tell my partner/parents about all that we had discussed and my challenges for the upcoming week.
I was so ready to put a stop to my ED once and for all. I wasn’t going back to that dark place and I knew that I couldn’t just ‘half-do’ recovery. It just doesn’t work that way. My recovery journey was full of ups, downs and sideways turns and it certainly was not all rainbows and butterflies, but I was always slowly moving in the right direction. I got through it and out the other side due to sheer determination and motivation to change. I also had (and still do) the best support network of close friends and family around me which was vital for my recovery. They all supported me in their own glorious ways <3.
I did not miss one session or skip one challenge my Psychologist set for me. I showed up week after week initially, and then eventually dropped to fortnightly sessions, then monthly, then my last couple of sessions were every few months. When we reached my last session, my Psychologist and I both felt that I was recovered and not in danger of relapsing. This was a very happy day.
What about Now?
I don’t really know how to explain, but I am a completely different human to Phoebe and her ED. I am now, Just Phoebe. Don’t get me wrong, those ED thoughts do pop up from time to time, sometimes stronger than others. My ED does rear her ugly head whenever she can get a chance. But I know how to recognise her now and I know what to do to keep her behind the curtains and not centre stage. Knowing that my ED thoughts are in fact not true, not reality and not serving me, is a revelation. I now know that my ED is not my friend, she never actually was, and I choose recovery over her every day.
Perhaps my ED thoughts will always have the ability to pop up here and there, or sometimes hum like white noise in the back of my mind. This is OK. I am prepared for this and I am set to tackle her when she does decide to come knocking. I know that change, beginnings & endings, big life events, periods of uncertainty, having no purpose or feeling lost, are all potential triggers to kick back that ED voice in full swing. So, during these times, I am extra aware and vigilant with my self care and food/exercise challenges.
I am not on any kind of diet, and never will be. I eat all foods, I have zero intolerances or allergies – and I now live by the motto, all in moderation. There are still foods that do make me anxious at times, but I stick it to my ED and I eat them. They are bloody delicious. For me, life is about true love, laughter, relationships, experiences, sunshine, passion, warmth and connections – I had lost a lot of this during the midst of my ED.
A world that revolves around my weight, is no world
for me anymore.
I am now a fully qualified Naturopath, and I have learnt how nutrition, herbal medicine and other holistic principles have the power to help and enable our body and mind to thrive. Knowing what I know from my Naturopathic and Nutritional studies, I could never go back to my old ED ways. I simply know too much about health and vital nutrition. I now live by the motto ‘Volume. Variety. Regularity’ when it comes to food. This is something my Psychologist taught me, and something I pass on to my patients. I am SO passionate about supporting individuals and helping them take care of their precious health. My mission is to help my patients have a positive outlook on food, exercise and their glorious bodies. All humans deserve to love the skin they are in, be able to embrace and appreciate any perfect imperfections and only associate the words ‘weight’ or ‘fat’ with physiology.
My advice to anyone starting their recovery journey or at least thinking about it – firstly, you are not alone. There are so many professional healthcare workers out there that truly understand what you are going through and can support you. Also, surround yourself with your most beautiful and supportive people. If you know certain people can trigger you, keep them at arms length for now.
And secondly, don’t stop. Please. Whatever you do, don’t stop on your recovery journey. You will cry, you will feel it is all too hard, you may want to give up, you may have moments where you go a bit backwards or sideways… this is all OK. This is still progress. Just keep pushing forward. There IS light at the end of this tunnel, I promise, and the power to reach this light is all in your hands. Keep finding the courage to face that demon inside your head, placing one foot in front of the other each day. Baby steps, but all in the one direction, the direction towards your life without your ED. I promise that life without your ED, is a much better life to lead.
And just in case you were wondering, I get my period every single month and have done for the past 4 odd years. I love getting my period. It is a big, fat, happy, HELLO from my ovaries and a sign that my body is functioning as it should. I give myself a little high five every time Aunty Flo comes to town. I love her.
On that note, I am off to toast my banana bread and top it off with a big blob of butter. I never would have thought <3
An important note: If any of this sounds familiar, please feel free to get in touch. I understand what you are going through and am here to help you get back to nourishing every cell in your body. Furthermore, if you know or think you or someone you love might have an eating disorder, please speak with your GP or healthcare professional. You can also contact a number of support services such as The Butterfly Foundation https://butterfly.org.au/. You are not alone, and there are so many strategies and professional healthcare workers that can help you on your journey to recovery.
Love Nutmeg xxx
